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Excessive Employee Abscences
One of my alltime favourites!
To: All Employees

Subject: Excessive Absences

Due to excessive absences from the office, the following rules and procedures will be put into effect as of this date.

SICKNESS; No Excuse--we will no longer accept your doctors statement of proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctors, you are able to come to work.

DEATH: (other than your own) This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else with a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE; (for an operation) We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need anything removed. We hired you as you are, and as long as you are employed here you may need all of whatever you have.

DEATH; (your own) This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like to have a two-week notice, as we feel that it is your duty to train someone else to do your job.

Also, entirely too much time is being spent in the toillet. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, Those with the last name starting with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15, "B" will go from 8:15 to 8:30 and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait till the following day when your turn comes again.